My Gangsta Mom
"How dare you come and threaten my son in his father's house? Weren't you raised better? Who the hell are you to come to MY house and threaten to harm MY SON in my presence? Were wo lo gun iyan fun yin to ni ke ma worry obe?" my mother's voice thundered and threatened to bring down my late father's roof.
Hiding behind my mother, I stole a quick glance at my assailants; three hefty men who looked like they lived in the gym for a living. Even with their bulging muscles and packs, I could see them half cowering in my mother's presence.
Trust me, if you were here, you would be scared shitless of my mother right now.
Who wouldn't? My mother is a renowned tout, one whose hobbies were breaking bottles and beating people up.
You'd think that getting married to a barrister would soften her and make her act like a lady should; na, that's not my mother.
My late father's position and status in the society made it easier for her to break Jaws and go scot free.
And looking at the Jaws of these hefty men from Chief Williams; I knew their Jaws were child's play compared to the ones my mother break when she was in the mood.
But these men had guns!!! And those guns were pointed at me, scratch that, were pointed at my mother, because I was cowering in fear behind her.
"Ma'am, your son has bitten more than he can chew, and we have been sent to treat his fuck up." Deji, one of the guys replied angrily, and I could sense the depth of his anger from where I stood.
"You want to come and treat my son's fuck up, in my presence, under my roof, are you mad!!!!!? You even have the nerves to look me in the eye and talk to me arrogantly, Tani baba e ni Ile yi!!?" Mother continued her ranting, as if she was not scared of the AK47 guns pointed at her.. But I was.
" Omo osan ni n ko ponpo ba Iya e.... " Femi started, before my mother cut him short.
"Gbe enu e buruku yen si ohun. Se o ya were ni. Emi!!! Emi Adunni ti n dana ija, ti o n duro ti. Emi Adunni ari ku ma sa, arija ma sojo. Emi Adunni to n kogun wa ka baba eyan mo le, sugbon ti o le ba Dan Radarada wo.... Se o mo bi mo se je ni... Are you fucking mad?!!!!!"
I felt the energy seeping through my mother at this point and I knew shit was about to get real here.
And two things were going to happen. It's either my mother was going to give these men the beatings of their lives, or the men would beat her to it and shoot us both first.
Either way, I was fucked. Because if by any chance my mother dealt with these men, Chief Williams would do everything in his capacity to ruin my family, not after the stunt I pulled yesterday night at the club, after the Poker game.
**********************************************
I was not really bothered about winning Chief Williams at Poker; because that wasn't the plan, I had something more important thing to steal from him. A shit load of money which he hid in his car's booth.
The money was a total of two hundred and fifty thousand US dollars, that a foreign cocaine client of his just paid to him this evening on his way to the club.
I found out about the payment from his secretary who I was fucking on the low. I hooked up with her the instant I set the ball of my plan rolling, so that I could get information from her about her boss.
Chief Williams has been on my radar for a while now, for a little longer above 5 years because we do have a score to settle.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand, my girlfriend Solape got into her character for the night (which was to seduce the Chief and steal his car key for us). But trust her to always add spice to everything, being an up and coming actress that she was.
"Wait!!! Are you trying to tell me you can't afford to buy me a Dom Perignon right now?" Solape shouted all of a sudden, bringing all attention to us, Chief's included.
Seeing that we had the attention of our target, I fell into character with her, even though I was laughing my ass off in my head, of course.
" Babes, please try and understand me. I am left with little cash here, and I am losing at the game as it is. Just bear with me please." I begged her in mock modesty.
"Fucking broke boy. I don't have time for the likes of you when there are financially capable men to take care of me" and with that, she hissed and sashayed her ample ass over to where Chief stood, pretending to be angry at me, but not before tossing her leftover wine in my face.
Talk about overacting.
Predictably, Chief started flirting heavily with her immediately, and signaled to a waiter to bring a Dom Perignon for Solape.
Chief was a rumored shameless whoremonger, and girls like Solape were just his spec.
Yasss!!! Mission one accomplished.
With Solape cooing and gearing him on, Chief won the rest of my money, and made to leave the club with my woman too.
Yassss! Mission Two accomplished.
Now, the plan was for Solape to steal the car keys from Chief, pass it to Jerry, who would go and pick the money and we move out.
Battling her lashes at him, Solape told Chief she wanted to have fun in the club a bit, and Chief obliged immediately.
Who wouldn't? Solape gat mad moves mehn.
And that was how they sat at the VVIP's corner and drank to stupor; but not before Solape stole the key from Chief's agbada pocket, and slipped it to Jerry who came in posed as a waiter.
Jerry got the bag from the boot and just as were walking to our cars, Chief and Solape sauntered out of the club. On seeing them, we ran to our car, kicked off and drove away, with me laughing and giving Chief the middle finger as the car taxied out of the club's premises.
***********************'*************
I thought we were safe till I woke up to a VN from a frightened Solape this morning, claiming that Jerry has been busted and that Chief's henchmen were headed to our house.
I quickly ran to my mother's room to notify her about this new development. She was in on the plan from the get go.
She asked me to bring the bag of money to her and told me not to worry, as she started making some calls as I left her room.
I was in my room trying to see how this was going to play out when these men got to the house.
************************************
"Dude, see, we are wasting too much time on this thief and his mother. Let's do what we came here to do." Kenny, the third guy who has been quiet since they got here, spoke at last.
On his charge, the two others cocked their guns and were about to pull the trigger when my mother stopped them.
"Hold it there!!!! Wait first you dingbats, were you told to kill us or recover Chief's money? How do you think Chief would feel if he found out that he had a chance of recovering his money, but you stupid morons ruined it by killing us?"
A look of confusion registered on their faces, as they were trying to process my mother's words.
After deliberating amongst themselves, the trio decided not to kill us but to take back the money instead.
When they finally agreed, my mother sent me to go bring the bag of money on her bed.
I ran upstairs like my pants were on fire. I got to her room taking two stairs at once and brought down the bag of money in no time.
I didn't think twice before handling the bag to the men, I was no longer about the money. Staying alive was what mattered, and I wanted to live.
They unzipped the bag and wanted to start counting the cash, but my mother told them not to bother, claiming we didn't touch any note from it.
After threatening to come back and kill us if they discovered a foul play, they took their leave and left our house.
"Go pack your stuff!!! We leaving this country this minute!!" my mother screamed at me as she ran up the stairs to pack her stuff.
"Mum, hol up!!! What is happening? I asked as I ran after her up the stairs.
" One more question and those men are gonna be putting a bullet right through your moronic brain when they come back here. " she shouted as she threw things into her bag.
" But we gave them the money now?" I asked, not understanding what was happening.
Stopping to glare at me for a minute, she pulled out a replica of the bag that the guys went away with, and threw it at me.
I unzipped the bag to find the dollar bills intact, just like it was after I gave Jerry his and Solape's share last night.
"Shit!!!! Fuck!! Fuck!!!" Finally understanding what's up, I borrowed Usian Bolt's legs and ran to my room to get few of my things.
Armed with our stuff, we found our way downstairs and gave the driver and the cook some money, after telling them to get lost and never come back to the house.
And that was how mum and I took to our heels and found ourselves at the MMA, on a flight to Paris; we got to Paris and lodged in a very private accommodation, courtesy of all the calls mum was making while I left her room.
The next day, while sipping on a Lea D’Asco, as we enjoyed the view of the prestigious Les Calanques De Cassis Beach; we got news from mum's people that Chief Williams found out the money we gave his boys were fake.
So, he sent them back to the house to kill us and destroy everything, but not before he was told that my mom and I were involved in a car accident and that we didn't make it out alive because the car was a total write off.
"All hail the queen!!!!" I raised my hands in the air to salute my mother, as the news came in.
This woman was the baddest mother ever liveth.
"Your late father would be proud of us, you know? Helping him get back what Williams stole from him ten years ago and more, is a commendable feat, son" She replied, tears forming at the edges of her eyes.
"Yeah, he sure would be proud of us, mother" I concurred as I wrapped my Gangsta mother in a big bear hug.
************************************
©Aderonke Adeyeye 2019
Picture credit: Farabale Africa
"How dare you come and threaten my son in his father's house? Weren't you raised better? Who the hell are you to come to MY house and threaten to harm MY SON in my presence? Were wo lo gun iyan fun yin to ni ke ma worry obe?" my mother's voice thundered and threatened to bring down my late father's roof.
Hiding behind my mother, I stole a quick glance at my assailants; three hefty men who looked like they lived in the gym for a living. Even with their bulging muscles and packs, I could see them half cowering in my mother's presence.
Trust me, if you were here, you would be scared shitless of my mother right now.
Who wouldn't? My mother is a renowned tout, one whose hobbies were breaking bottles and beating people up.
You'd think that getting married to a barrister would soften her and make her act like a lady should; na, that's not my mother.
My late father's position and status in the society made it easier for her to break Jaws and go scot free.
And looking at the Jaws of these hefty men from Chief Williams; I knew their Jaws were child's play compared to the ones my mother break when she was in the mood.
But these men had guns!!! And those guns were pointed at me, scratch that, were pointed at my mother, because I was cowering in fear behind her.
"Ma'am, your son has bitten more than he can chew, and we have been sent to treat his fuck up." Deji, one of the guys replied angrily, and I could sense the depth of his anger from where I stood.
"You want to come and treat my son's fuck up, in my presence, under my roof, are you mad!!!!!? You even have the nerves to look me in the eye and talk to me arrogantly, Tani baba e ni Ile yi!!?" Mother continued her ranting, as if she was not scared of the AK47 guns pointed at her.. But I was.
" Omo osan ni n ko ponpo ba Iya e.... " Femi started, before my mother cut him short.
"Gbe enu e buruku yen si ohun. Se o ya were ni. Emi!!! Emi Adunni ti n dana ija, ti o n duro ti. Emi Adunni ari ku ma sa, arija ma sojo. Emi Adunni to n kogun wa ka baba eyan mo le, sugbon ti o le ba Dan Radarada wo.... Se o mo bi mo se je ni... Are you fucking mad?!!!!!"
I felt the energy seeping through my mother at this point and I knew shit was about to get real here.
And two things were going to happen. It's either my mother was going to give these men the beatings of their lives, or the men would beat her to it and shoot us both first.
Either way, I was fucked. Because if by any chance my mother dealt with these men, Chief Williams would do everything in his capacity to ruin my family, not after the stunt I pulled yesterday night at the club, after the Poker game.
**********************************************
I was not really bothered about winning Chief Williams at Poker; because that wasn't the plan, I had something more important thing to steal from him. A shit load of money which he hid in his car's booth.
The money was a total of two hundred and fifty thousand US dollars, that a foreign cocaine client of his just paid to him this evening on his way to the club.
I found out about the payment from his secretary who I was fucking on the low. I hooked up with her the instant I set the ball of my plan rolling, so that I could get information from her about her boss.
Chief Williams has been on my radar for a while now, for a little longer above 5 years because we do have a score to settle.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand, my girlfriend Solape got into her character for the night (which was to seduce the Chief and steal his car key for us). But trust her to always add spice to everything, being an up and coming actress that she was.
"Wait!!! Are you trying to tell me you can't afford to buy me a Dom Perignon right now?" Solape shouted all of a sudden, bringing all attention to us, Chief's included.
Seeing that we had the attention of our target, I fell into character with her, even though I was laughing my ass off in my head, of course.
" Babes, please try and understand me. I am left with little cash here, and I am losing at the game as it is. Just bear with me please." I begged her in mock modesty.
"Fucking broke boy. I don't have time for the likes of you when there are financially capable men to take care of me" and with that, she hissed and sashayed her ample ass over to where Chief stood, pretending to be angry at me, but not before tossing her leftover wine in my face.
Talk about overacting.
Predictably, Chief started flirting heavily with her immediately, and signaled to a waiter to bring a Dom Perignon for Solape.
Chief was a rumored shameless whoremonger, and girls like Solape were just his spec.
Yasss!!! Mission one accomplished.
With Solape cooing and gearing him on, Chief won the rest of my money, and made to leave the club with my woman too.
Yassss! Mission Two accomplished.
Now, the plan was for Solape to steal the car keys from Chief, pass it to Jerry, who would go and pick the money and we move out.
Battling her lashes at him, Solape told Chief she wanted to have fun in the club a bit, and Chief obliged immediately.
Who wouldn't? Solape gat mad moves mehn.
And that was how they sat at the VVIP's corner and drank to stupor; but not before Solape stole the key from Chief's agbada pocket, and slipped it to Jerry who came in posed as a waiter.
Jerry got the bag from the boot and just as were walking to our cars, Chief and Solape sauntered out of the club. On seeing them, we ran to our car, kicked off and drove away, with me laughing and giving Chief the middle finger as the car taxied out of the club's premises.
***********************'*************
I thought we were safe till I woke up to a VN from a frightened Solape this morning, claiming that Jerry has been busted and that Chief's henchmen were headed to our house.
I quickly ran to my mother's room to notify her about this new development. She was in on the plan from the get go.
She asked me to bring the bag of money to her and told me not to worry, as she started making some calls as I left her room.
I was in my room trying to see how this was going to play out when these men got to the house.
************************************
"Dude, see, we are wasting too much time on this thief and his mother. Let's do what we came here to do." Kenny, the third guy who has been quiet since they got here, spoke at last.
On his charge, the two others cocked their guns and were about to pull the trigger when my mother stopped them.
"Hold it there!!!! Wait first you dingbats, were you told to kill us or recover Chief's money? How do you think Chief would feel if he found out that he had a chance of recovering his money, but you stupid morons ruined it by killing us?"
A look of confusion registered on their faces, as they were trying to process my mother's words.
After deliberating amongst themselves, the trio decided not to kill us but to take back the money instead.
When they finally agreed, my mother sent me to go bring the bag of money on her bed.
I ran upstairs like my pants were on fire. I got to her room taking two stairs at once and brought down the bag of money in no time.
I didn't think twice before handling the bag to the men, I was no longer about the money. Staying alive was what mattered, and I wanted to live.
They unzipped the bag and wanted to start counting the cash, but my mother told them not to bother, claiming we didn't touch any note from it.
After threatening to come back and kill us if they discovered a foul play, they took their leave and left our house.
"Go pack your stuff!!! We leaving this country this minute!!" my mother screamed at me as she ran up the stairs to pack her stuff.
"Mum, hol up!!! What is happening? I asked as I ran after her up the stairs.
" One more question and those men are gonna be putting a bullet right through your moronic brain when they come back here. " she shouted as she threw things into her bag.
" But we gave them the money now?" I asked, not understanding what was happening.
Stopping to glare at me for a minute, she pulled out a replica of the bag that the guys went away with, and threw it at me.
I unzipped the bag to find the dollar bills intact, just like it was after I gave Jerry his and Solape's share last night.
"Shit!!!! Fuck!! Fuck!!!" Finally understanding what's up, I borrowed Usian Bolt's legs and ran to my room to get few of my things.
Armed with our stuff, we found our way downstairs and gave the driver and the cook some money, after telling them to get lost and never come back to the house.
And that was how mum and I took to our heels and found ourselves at the MMA, on a flight to Paris; we got to Paris and lodged in a very private accommodation, courtesy of all the calls mum was making while I left her room.
The next day, while sipping on a Lea D’Asco, as we enjoyed the view of the prestigious Les Calanques De Cassis Beach; we got news from mum's people that Chief Williams found out the money we gave his boys were fake.
So, he sent them back to the house to kill us and destroy everything, but not before he was told that my mom and I were involved in a car accident and that we didn't make it out alive because the car was a total write off.
"All hail the queen!!!!" I raised my hands in the air to salute my mother, as the news came in.
This woman was the baddest mother ever liveth.
"Your late father would be proud of us, you know? Helping him get back what Williams stole from him ten years ago and more, is a commendable feat, son" She replied, tears forming at the edges of her eyes.
"Yeah, he sure would be proud of us, mother" I concurred as I wrapped my Gangsta mother in a big bear hug.
************************************
©Aderonke Adeyeye 2019
Picture credit: Farabale Africa
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